The dull ache that fills my heart,
A feeling I didn’t expect to feel with you.
I sometimes mistake it for a one-off occurrence
But the more it happens the more I realise
It’s the illness of the heart that penetrates my soul, so deeply.
Five…Three…Such odd numbers never sit well,
They never bode well with me.
Two couples, one…and one couple, none.
The dull ache I feel is the distance,
The yearning I feel when I see you.
Friendship isn’t easy
It never has been.
But when I see two so compatible it only makes my heart burn
and my eyes water.
You don’t realise you have it when you live it,
And you realise it when you don’t.
Such is life.
Such is love.
It’s unmistakable and it dents the sharp edges of my form.
Why is it that I feel this way when I have everything I want and everything I need?
I yearn for the things I don’t need and I cry like a spoilt child in the shadows of my mature disposition.
Nothing has changed
And yet, everything was not how it was.
I want more but need less,
You have less and need more.
I’ve never felt more alone than when I sit next to two people who live in each other.
I’ve never felt less loved when I love more than they could love me.
And I’ve never felt more regret than when I scorn them.
What fault have they committed except love and like each other?
The enjoyment of another’s company is part of human nature,
And yet as a human I scorn the image of it but desperately desire the real thing.
I isolate myself but am isolated by you.
A world for two not three, a world for four not five.
To live or to die, to love or to live awry…
Are these the real questions I should be asking?
I know I have the love of one but a part of me still feels alone.
“It’s me, not you,”…such a cliché never felt so true.
If I find something to hate it’s myself – to want something I don’t need
But I don’t want to be on the edge, the cusp
I want to be with you, all of you
I want to know your desires everything down to your deep, dark core.
I want to feel loved completely rather than an option for you to have.
Am I not giving enough?
I feel myself hesitate, conflicted.
Is that the issue? Are my selfish desires to blame?
I carve my heart out to only find nothing there,
You carve yours and find it whole.
Two halves make one,
And mine can’t exist without the other.
I feel the dull ache again,
But this time it’s paired with a crushing sense of defeat.
I gaze absently into the distance and see nothing,
When I glance over at you the only emptiness I see is love
Set aside for me.
When you give yourself away so selflessly, you become selfish
Making yourself look so good when you ignore everything else
And everyone else.
I stand unknowingly on the path to self-destruction.
I grow tired of trying,
I see you gave up trying a while ago.
Both of you did and yet, I can’t find the person to blame.
I stand conflicted, looking at myself in the mirror one last time.
I ask again, “Are my selfish desires to blame?”
But the darkness sets and I question your integrity instead.
“You’re to blame for this. For us.”
I don’t dare look into the mirror this time – it’s ugly.
Jealousy, the green-eyed monster-
It skulks in every shadowy corner and waits patiently for the descent.
How ugly, but I feel compelled to its existence as I keep falling.
I can only hear its ugly cackling and my ugly tears.
I was consumed by hate and didn’t hesitate.
And the lost half of my heart was never found.