There are so many things I have to say and yet nothing comes out, my lips sealed by fatigue and frustration. I yell, I cry, I slam my hands on the table to startle you. I want you to see me, I want you to understand what I suffer…But that’s not my true desire. I’m sorry…I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m not sure where my head is, but they’re not in the clouds. Like an ostrich, I bury my head in the ground in shame. I can’t look at you anymore.
There’s so much I want to say. There’s so much I want to show you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m sorry I did that to you. It wasn’t me. You know me, don’t you? You know that I only do this when I’m tired. You know that I’m like this because I can’t handle it all. You know that, don’t you? And yet…You shy away from me now. I can’t touch you. I can’t talk to you. I can’t see you.
I should have been reasonable, I know that now. Hindsight is an evil thing sometimes. It shows me how I truly am: a tyrant. I apologise, none of this should have happened. I can’t express myself in words. I can’t do a thing that can help this. I’m so sorry, I wronged you. Please don’t leave me again. I thought you knew…I thought you knew I was like this.
Of course you didn’t. That is clear now, I understand. I know. I know how you are. I know how you see me now. I know why you creep past my room without a sound. I know why you leave the house before I wake up and come back when I’m asleep. I know why you sleep outside, instead of being with me. I know everything and yet, I can’t say a thing. “I’m sorry”, “I was wrong”, “Please don’t leave”…I want to say it all. The words still don’t come out. I’m not tired anymore…Why? Why can’t I talk to you?
Finally, I catch you sneaking past and confront you. No…Confront is the wrong word. I approach you, as a person, as a human. I reach out to you but you flinch away just in time. I’m not a monster anymore. I’m like you, I promise. You won’t look at me. I inch a little closer to you. The house is so cold these days, you know? I try to smile but you’re not looking at me, you’re not even trying to. As I get closer, you back away. I can’t use actions to express myself, it seems. You’re putting me into a corner…You know I’m bad with words- No…I’m sorry, I’m getting angry again. I told myself I wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry.” I say with as much sincerity I can. At last, you look into my eyes. I don’t know whether what you see is what you wanted; your face doesn’t change in fact, now that I can see you, you’re not smiling at all. I can’t see you, what happened to you? Different, you’re not the same. Did I do this? My mind flits back and forth trying to grasp the situation. It can’t handle it, it can’t recognise you, I can’t recognise you.
Your face is paler than when I last saw it. Your eyes look like they’ve been starved of life. Your lips curl downwards into a frown. You’re shaking. What’s going on? In the haze, I found myself back in the same form I was in before. Goliath standing before David. I slam my hand against the door, and the anger flourishes in the plain spaces of my mind that I saved for you. My actions become fierce…I let myself go again. I’m sorry. I can’t help it.
And just like that, as the last leaf falls outside so do you. I stand above you, unmoving. You don’t spare me a glance, and I watch. I watch you falter and my heart twitches, pulsing within my chest. The room grows cold again, and the only sound that’s left is the beating of my own heart, not yours.