Diminuendo.

The rain began to fall as soon as the sun started to rise, rubbing out the glory of the day slowly and surely as the dark clouds took charge of the sky. I shifted in the comfort of my bed, watching as the raindrops hit my window in a sad melody, as if it were playing the tunes of my lonesome heart. Perhaps, I wondered to myself, it’s pathetic fallacy. I suppose it’s the writer within me that would make such a connection but the words seemed poignant to me as if the constant drivel of my English teacher had led up to this very moment. Pathetic fallacy…What a beautiful combination of words; pitiful misconception doesn’t seem to have the same ring. I tucked my head beneath the covers in an attempt to hide from the melancholic motif but in the empty space the sound travelled too well, reaching my ears as it entangled itself around my body like a snake, engulfing my feeble form. At this moment, it had occurred to me that even my own home was a prison and I was left with the miserable thought that no other sanctuary would take me. In this foreign terrain, friends were hard to come by and family was far from simply an outstretched hand. All of my past relationships were left in another country, fleeting and plain. Despite this…I miss it very much. The knowledge that I even had people to call friends or family was enough, but with betrayal comes loss and I had lost everything. It was nothing an apology or a gift could fix. The spiral of lies I had spun had become so real to me that it never occurred to me the dire consequences of their discovery. My now bare form is what was left after the shroud was lifted. I suppose I was deserving of this fate and thus, this isolation was my punishment.

The melody played on and the binds that held me continued to crush me. My senses were blinded and all I felt was pain and an urge to escape despite the knowledge of the fact I couldn’t. I couldn’t handle it; I couldn’t find it in me to fight it. Sensory overload, I think that was what it was called. A therapist I had gone to see had said so. I only went once but the words repeated over and over in my head like a mantra yet it wasn’t my own. This mantra wasn’t my own but one of the demons’ that kept me captive. It sang to me every night before I went to sleep and every morning before the rising of the sun. That was why I was awake. I was awoken by the voice of my mind singing me to the edge of oblivion. I had considered falling off of the edge but I could never quite make the fall. A pebble, simple in composition, stood in my way and burned my back at any attempt. Over time, I gave up and decided to let the songs wrap chains around my mind and soul. The chains were heavy but invisible to the naked eye. Only sufferers of the same kind could see and only they could understand. …I didn’t see very many as I walked along the stone paved streets. I was aware I wasn’t alone but the thought shifted to the back of my mind with every step. They all looked so unburdened. Every single one of them, and I wondered what these people were troubled by. Nothing, spoke my mind. I blindly agreed.

I brought my arms to my chest as my movements continued to become restrained as the binds bound tighter. My mind brought forward the present concern: Loneliness. Having built a life of false foundations I quickly realised that I had no definite comprehension of my own self. Small questions I left unanswered because I had lost the ability to know. To be unsure of one’s self is a tragedy I want no one else to suffer. Small comments sent my thoughts on a downward spiral of self doubt and despair. ‘You look lovely today!’ my mind convinced me that they meant that I had looked inadequate the other days. ‘You’re pretty but…’ my mind let me erase that one. It was unexpectedly merciful on some days and not on others. I like to describe it as temperamental, but it made me very unpredictable. I suppose in hindsight, that’s why I fall into the predicament I am in today. Lonely…because no one understands me; they don’t know why and I can’t explain. ‘I’m sorry.’ I say in a hurry. I’m not sure if they knew why. Yet again, I can’t explain. I don’t know how to.

The rain got heavier and my body followed suit. The binds held me in an uncomfortable embrace and clamped on my throat. The sharp edges dug into my skin, and I felt my eyes begin to water. I was being drained, this wasn’t the first time but every time was as terrifying as the very first. I tried to will my tears away but they fell against my wishes. I felt the energy being depleted, seeping from the clamp on my neck in an erratic stream. My body began to feel limp but the invisible binds held me rigid, not allowing my body to relax. It was to my pathetic delight that no one was around to witness this. A sobering thought.

I saw the rain begin to come to an end as the clouds retreated and I could feel myself begin to unfurl. I nodded to myself, the final stage. The chains that bound my body started to release their pressure on me, and I could feel the numb sensation spread from my chest to my arms and legs. I dared not move, nor could I. My eyes drooped, my mind hazy and languid. I lay in silence, feeling relief in the inevitable end of the discomfort. I prayed with my soul that this was the end and a sad smile spread across my lips and I whispered into the air, “For today.”

My demons danced into the darkness once again, camouflaged behind hopes and dreams. They will come out to dance again, they never stop for long.

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