The answer was always you. It was always meant to be you, but whenever I look back I make bad decisions. Today I looked back and what I saw was the times I spent in your company, the moments we shared together that made me feel special and the days spent in silent harmony, but when I finally looked forward and saw you in front of me, I couldn’t see the future in front of us. The road was dark and cold. Lonely and I saw the time that we had left. It wasn’t long, but instead of waiting for the end to come by like a steady breeze on a sunny day, I rushed forward. I sped up what could have been ages, had I just waited. You see, the future I saw was of my own creation. No one can properly see their future and I made the mistake of thinking that I could.
You weren’t the mistake, I was…And in the moment I spared a word that truly broke what faith you had for me. Jessica. The door shut behind me and you left me without sparing a single word. No ending retort, nothing. You didn’t give me anything more than what I had given you. In my anger I had blamed all of my failures on you, but in actuality I had failed you. I felt bitter at appearing as the ‘bad guy’ when all I thought I was doing was sparing you the hurt you would feel later. All I did was rid us of a ‘later’. I took away all of the chances I had in the 10 days I believed we had left and left you confused and blind to everything good. I broke your heart as much as I had broken the spark you once had.
When I passed by you on the street as you rushed to get the bus to work, you didn’t bother to look at me even though you knew I would pass by. As I watched you, I saw how much you had changed. You no longer bothered to stop and help the elderly, you wouldn’t stop to thank the lady at the crossing, you didn’t spare a dollar for the old man selling candy to help his grandchild…you stopped being the very person you were. And as you passed by all of these people, they watched after you in sadness and guilt as if their continuous struggle had finally gotten to you. As if they were the ones who had exhausted you, troubled you and broken your precious heart beyond repair. Turns out I was one of these people you had stopped trying for. Behind me stood a dozen more who had the same forlorn look and I realised that your kindness spread across those who crossed your path and needed it. We all took it for granted and in the end, it granted us with a reminder that you would always pass us by but would no longer entangle your life with ours.
I took another look behind me, this time seeing the past crumble before my eyes. It was at this moment I had realised my real fault. I had spent so much time looking back at my past that I had forgotten the present. The present where I stood fumbling through life as it gave it to me. I relied so much on past experiences that I forgot that presents can surprise you with something different; a new experience and a new sensation. I relied too much on the knowledge that you would never move on to see that you could once you had a new goal in life to see to. I relied too much on my selfishness to see past the kindness you gave me. But it’s already too late. You’re already gone and I will never get the chance to properly say ‘good-bye’.