Bleak.

Around this time of year there is always this incessant buzz about the summer and how people are going to spend it, be it lounging around at home or enjoying a new culture in a different country. However, that’s in the future…a more bright future but I am going to focus on something more unpleasant.

We are all born with the idea of communication. We arrive already hearing jumbled murmurs filled with curiosity and excitement and puzzle away in our small minds about things we don’t yet comprehend. It is only when we are taught, that we learn but sometimes we learn things that are wrong and with this comes the torrential wave that fills us with both rage and agony. We learn of embarrassment, of loneliness and worst of all, of hate. These things shouldn’t exist, we were born not knowing anything about these three simple words but as you grow up, you start to understand, to gain knowledge you have not yet had before. It’s all simply wrong.

I grew up confident in my abilities. I was conscious of that fact that I was special because I was unique. I knew who I was and where I belonged but life only rains down praise so that it can crush you under the weight of criticism. As the heavy drops of praise lure you to greater heights, the pressure of living up to this praise only pushes you back down to the ground. It earths you, chains you to the floor. Once you stop soaring, you come crashing down back to reality and realise…There was much less to hope for than you thought.

My confidence dissipated and I was left with nothing but the knowledge that I had gained from adolescence. Embarrassment and a loss of pride in who I was. I can no longer inquire about my surroundings confidently, nor can I speak in front of an audience with an air of self-assurance. My communication skills dropped after that. And it never came back.

It takes great courage to talk in front of a class of people or even just a small group of friends. Well…For people like myself, anyway. I have self-confidence issues which stop me from appearing as the person I really am for fear that my own self is more harmful to my confidence than my own thoughts. I am my own enemy and companion and it is because of this, that I fall.

I have stage fright and sometimes I feel as if my own conscious self is not of any worth. This fear…This unrelenting atmosphere bulldozes away at my mind and creates a husk of the person I was meant to be. The very person I aspire to be today. Everyone was always built for greatness but sometimes, there are some of us that never make the flight. Instead we have to fight because flying makes us feel cowardly because we haven’t achieved anything on the ground. By not achieving anything here means that I could never achieve anything in the air, where my final test is held. Where all glory shines because everyone up there knows who they really are as they lay their eyes upon their human selves and finally see the light in every situation because they are finally free and finally able to see past their fears to find something better. Assurance that they will do well, confidence in their own abilities and an unwavering view of all of the possibilities they had long forgotten before.

I aspire to reach such a great height, to know that I am actually worth more than I thought, to know that after all of these years I had been wrong about myself. My stage fright then, would mean nothing because I would have overcome that obstacle. I could then stop dreaming and finally live a life I had previously suppressed and then, I could truly be free. Then…I could truly be Stella because I would live up to my name and who I was originally meant to be in the beginning. We’re all born with purpose…We are just full of uncertainty until we tune out the wrong from the right and come to the revelation that we’re more than we asked for and more than we could ever forget.

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